The Apple Tree War
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: A comedy of apples.
1. Act 1: Introduction and such

**The Apple Tree War**  
A comedy of apples  
By tikitikirevenge

Legal note: I do not own any characters in this story. They all belong to Nintendo. If you think I should own them, send hate mail to Nintendo explaining how I am far more creative, intelligent and… er… cool than them. And then they'll like me a lot more.

Before I begin, I would like to explain why I wrote this story. To date, I have published three stories so far, one an obvious parody/rant, and two which consisted of vague plot lines and random humour. I am now going to try to attempt the impossible, and write a non-random funny story. That's right, you won't see the phrase "peanut moon" even once in this entire story! Correction, "peanut moon" appears once now. Make that twice.  
"Why?", the 1.62 of you who care ask. Well, that's because I've decided that I'm going to call all characters male until someone tells me I'm wrong so th… do you want me to skip straight to the story? I thought as much. So without any further Ado: (get it? Ado? ha ha ha ha ha not funny)  
Here we go…  
Anyone there?  
Okay, here _I_ go…

**_The Players_  
**_Kirby:_ A pink spherical male with rosy cheeks and an appetite which is almost insatiable (a couple of planets might do the trick). He is _not_, repeat _not_, a cream puff. I don't even know what a cream puff is. However, I can safely say that he is a pink spherical male with rosy cheeks and an almost-insatiable appetite. He seems like a friendly person, and he looks adorable.  
_King Dedede:_ A frog who looks and acts like a penguin, but is really a frog. A blue frog. With a beak. And wings. It seems as if Dedede is also quite generous when choosing his own meals, judging by his waistline and the whole gourmet race scenario. He has a big mallet. If the mallet is on top of you, that's bad.  
_Waddle Dees:_ They're cute.  
_Rick:_ A hamster.  
_Coo:_ An owl.  
_Kine:_ A blue and yellow fish.  
_Pitch:_ A very, very small green bird (remember, Kirby is only about 18cm tall). He looks angry a lot of the time.  
_Chuchu:_ A pink octopus wearing a red ribbon. She's female.  
_Nago:_ A cat. (Very imaginative descriptions, eh?)  
_Gooey:_ A blue blob, who is like Dark Matter, but a good guy. (That is, his eyes look totally out of place like Dark Matter, but he's small and easy to knock away with a twig.)  
_Dark Matter:_ Some evil thing. "Dark matter" sounds better, all considered. Dark Matter can possess everybody in the entire universe except for Kirby because Kirby is pink.  
_Kirby:_ Did I mention he wears red shoes?  
_Nightmare:_ I'm sure there's something really funny I could say about its name, but I can't think of it. Pretend I said it anyway.  
_Grill:_ A cowgirl turnip. No, I don't believe that either.  
_Ado_ Magical painter. It is quite likely that Ado and Adeline are one and the same, so Ado will be considered a female in this story (as not even the creative mind behind the Kirby franchise would give a male a name like that).  
_Chef Kawasaki:_ A chef. Wearing a chef's hat. He's good with a frying pan.  
_Jennifer:_ A character who has no relevance to the story, but was included because she sounds real cool.  
_Kirby:_ And his jester hat when he becomes Beam Kirby is really cute.  
_Tick:_ I know that naming conventions differ, so I'll make this clear: they're the little cute guys with _red pointed spike hats of death_. You don't want to be above them at any given moment.  
_Poppy brothers:_ They're all very joyful and evil. And they run around on apples.  
_Nruff:_ Sooooo cute!  
_Kirby:_ And in those N64 games where he says "Hii!" it just makes me cry in joy.  
Okay, I'll shut up now.

**_Act 1 - Establishment; Introduction; Setting_**

Our story begins beneath, of all things, an apple tree. This wasn't just any old apple tree, mind you. This was Whispy Woods, a _young_ apple tree. (Or so he'd have us believe.)  
Beneath him were two people: King Dedede and Dark Matter. Dark Matter had learnt that it was extremely rude to possess random bystanders, and was constantly trying to improve his etiquette.  
"Excuse me," said Dark Matter. "May I possess you?"  
"No thank you," replied King Dedede.  
"Please?"  
"I can't say no to a polite person," said King Dedede, shrugging.  
But before Dark Matter could take over Dedede, a Warp Star went flying by and hit Dedede in the head, knocking him out cold.  
"Oh dearie me," said Dark Matter. "What am I to do?"

_Many months later…  
_"I know," said Dark Matter. "I'll possess someone else." And with that, he went off. To possess someone else.

_A few minutes later…_  
Kirby was sitting under Whispy Woods with his female friend… hmm… come to think of it, there aren't many female characters on Pop Star, are there?  
…Nago's a cat. He'd do.  
So anyway, Kirby and Nago were sitting under Whispy Woods, kissing passionately- no, it doesn't work. Kine is too noncommittal, and I can't use Dedede for the sake of plot continuity, so… Chuchu! Yes, Kirby was sitting under the apple tree kissing Chuchu passionately. Why? Because they were good friends. Why? **I don't know!**  
"Could you kiss a little bit more quietly?" yawned Whispy. "I'm trying to sleep."  
"Trees don't sleep," said Chuchu suspiciously.  
"True," said Whispy Woods. "I'll just watch you two kiss then."  
Kirby and Chuchu glanced at each other momentarily before edging away ever so slowly.  
"Don't go!" said Whispy Woods, trying to give chase. "I'll-" He realised he was rooted to the spot. In his attempts to follow, an apple went flying from his leaves, and went flying onto Kirby's head. Kirby being the bouncy fellow he is, the apple ricocheted off and landed on Chuchu's head before tumbling to earth (or Pop Star, if you'd prefer).  
This is where the plot complication begins.  
You see, Kirby noticed the apple falling on his head but failed to notice it landing on Chuchu's head. Chuchu conversely noticed the apple landing on her head but did not realise that it also landed on Kirby's head. This led to some minor misunderstandings.  
"HOW DARE YOU DROP AN APPLE ON MY HEAD?" yelled Kirby at Chuchu.  
"Oh sure, twist the truth," said Chuchu, readying her tentacles for some punching fun!  
"YOU TOLD WHISPY TO THROW IT AT ME!"  
"Did not! Whispy threw it at _me_ because you asked him to!"  
Whispy Woods interrupted. "Pardon me, but as a matter of fact, the app-"  
"Shut up," said Chuchu in her special death threat voice.  
"Yes'm," said Whispy Woods meekly.  
"You listen to me," said Chuchu, pushing Kirby against a rock. "You may think you've gotten away with it, but I swear you'll be sorry that you ever tried throwing apples at me."  
"You threw the apple at me!" said Kirby. "And I have the ice cream to prove it!" He pulled out an ice cream cone from behind his back and ate it.  
The two of them looked angrily at each other. Then they stormed off. Chuchu headed back to the grassy plains of Green Greens. Kirby went back to Whispy.  
"Could I have more apples?" he said.  
"Fine," sighed Whispy Woods. "But promise me that you two will make it all up and become good fri-"  
Kirby snatched a few ripe apples and ran for it.  
"Am I the only person here with the slightest sign of wisdom?" sighed Whispy Woods.  
"No," yelled Coo as he flew past. "I'm wise too, wise guy. Get it, wise guy? Because it's an insult too? And we're both wis-" Coo flew into Whispy's face.  
"Not a good day," sighed the apple tree (Whispy, not Coo).  
"Mommy? May I have the milk?" said King Dedede, finally coming to.  
Whispy hit him in the face.  
"Bad doggie," muttered Dedede.  
"That's more like it," said a smiling Whispy.

And so Whispy Woods began a fearsome grudge, stuffing up things for everyone else like he always does. Did you hear that Whispy? Yes, that's right! I'm insulting you! What are you going to do about it?  
Anyway, I was just about to explain what happened next.  
Chuchu arrived back at the river and went straight to her good friend, Kine.  
"Kine, you're my friend, right?"  
"Yes," said Kine.  
"You owe me a favour, right?"  
"I do?"  
"Yes, you do. Well, I need you to help me with so-"  
"I'm not eating Kirby."  
"Oh… in which case, do you have any firearms?"  
"Fish don't keep firearms," said Kine exasperatedly. "Now be quiet. I'm trying to finish eating this sushi."  
Chuchu thought desperately. "But Kirby hit me."  
"He WHAT?" said Kine, completely forgetting his manners and grammar.  
"He told Whispy to throw an apple at me."  
"Hmm… perhaps I could kill him, after all."  
"That's the spirit," said Chuchu, straightening her ribbon.

Somewhere fairly close by, Kirby was talking to Nago. "And I think Chuchu is trying to kill me," he concluded. "I need your protection."  
"What do I get out of it?"  
"You can eat Pitch."  
"Deal."  
Kirby pulled out a baseball bat. "If you see Chuchu come by, hit her with this. Then cook her."  
"I don't think I can eat her… maybe if I take the ribbon off first?"  
"No, no, the ribbon is part of the flavour."

Chuchu stormed into King Dedede's castle and went straight up to Dedede.  
"WHO DARES DISTURB MY PEACEFUL SLUMBER?" roared Dedede.  
"It's the middle of the day."  
"WHO DARES DISTURB WHATEVER I WAS JUST DOING?"  
Dark Matter flew in and possessed Chuchu. "Ha!" it said. "Now I can take over the world!"  
"Dark Matter," whispered Dedede. "I don't mean to alarm you, but you just possessed Chuchu."  
"So?"  
"Chuchu is a female octopus."  
"Uh-huh."  
"A _female_ octopus."  
"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Dark Matter, fleeing the scene. "I POSSESSED A FEMALE!"  
Chuchu woke up and snuck discreetly out of the room via the room of Bells and Heavy Metal Instruments.  
"Our afternoon meal is getting away!" roared Dedede. "Quick, stop her!"  
"It's morning!" shouted Chuchu, buying herself time.  
"It is? Funny, I could have sworn… wait! Get her!"  
Millions of Waddle Dees made a dash for Chuchu, missed slightly, and fell into a giant pit. Chuchu climbed down the castle walls and left, passing Kirby on the way.  
Kirby stormed into King Dedede's castle and went straight up to Dedede.  
"Mr Penguin?" said Kirby.  
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"  
"Beakface?"  
"Call me 'Mr. Penguin'."  
"Could you help me kill this octopus?"  
"I'd never do anything for yo-"  
"It's a girl octopus," whispered Kirby quietly.  
"A girl? I see," said Dedede, stroking his beak. "All right, I'll help you."  
"Are we friends now?"  
"NO!"  
Kirby shrugged. "One day you're going to wake up and find that you really need a friend after all."  
"I am?" said Dedede, surprised.  
"Yes. You'll… you'll be sorry that you didn't make yourself a friend when you could have, and you'll forever try to make up for it, but you'll never be able to reclaim all that time you wasted trying to work out whether 'you'll' stands for 'you will' or 'you shall' when you could have been working out who your best friend was."  
"But not right now?"  
"Not right now."  
"Well, I'll worry about that later," said the King. "Meanwhile, let's throw stones at female octopi!"  
"Sounds good to me!"

Rick panted heavily. "I need a break."  
"Shut up and keep digging," said Chuchu, poring over her… that's disgusting, isn't it? You know, the base word "pore" and and octopus featuring in the same sentence? Never mind.  
"What the heck is the point of this exercise?" Rick put down the shovel and collapsed onto his back.  
"If we dig trenches deep enough, we can… um… push Kirby in!"  
"I see…" said Rick. "So that's why we're digging the trenches?"  
"Right."  
"And what exactly are all these mounted periscopic slingshots for?"  
"That's need to know," said Chuchu, straightening her ribbon.  
"I think I know what you're planning," said Rick. "But if you're going to do what I think you are, these small pebbles won't be enough. We need – Gordos!"  
"You're joking," gasped Kine, who somehow was walking on land.  
"It's hard enough getting a Gordo off your front lawn," said Chuchu. "How are we supposed to use them as weapons?"  
"We threaten them," said Rick. "Tell them we'll destroy them if we don't help."  
"And the Gordos are supposed to believe we can destroy them?"  
"No, but if they think we're being that stupid, they'll help anyway."  
"Good thinking," said Chuchu.  
Kirby walked up to Rick. "Hi, Rick!" he said cheerily. "Listen, I'm trying to murder Chuchu. You see her, over there? Yeah, the one shouting at me. Well, I'm going to need your help. You're a- wait! Why are you helping Chuchu? Are you on her side? Well, I'll ha-"  
Kirby was interrupted by Chuchu hitting him in the face, sending him flying off Pop Star.  
"Thanks," said Rick. "I was worried I wouldn't be able to get away."  
"No problem," said Chuchu.  
"Now you've done it," said Kine. "If Kirby is flying through space, how are we supposed to kill him?"  
Chuchu thought about that for a while. "Comic coincidence."  
Kirby somehow landed back on Pop Star into a pit of Ticks. The evil kind.

Now, I'll just remind any people who haven't given up yet that Whispy Woods is to blame for all of this. Yes, that's right. Go to your gaming console of choice and beat him up a bit. Isn't that better, now?

A few hours later, in a peaceful part of Green Greens, a Waddle Dee was trying to draw another Waddle Dee. It may have been successful, but using air as a canvas has its drawbacks.  
The infamous Gooey snuck up behind the Waddle-Dee-drawing Waddle Dee who was drawing a Waddle Dee who was being drawn by a Waddle Dee.  
He drooled slightly at the thought of his next meal. _"Mmm… drawn and depicted Waddle Dee…"_  
"HI GOOEY!" said Kirby. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY? ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THOSE TWO WADDLE DEES?"  
"Be quiet!" hissed Gooey.  
"Oops," said Kirby. "They're running away."  
"No problem!" Gooey's tongue shot out towards the Waddle Dees.  
They scampered up a hill and dived behind a tree, but the tongue followed them. The Waddle Dees ran towards the nearest pit of spikes available.  
Kirby turned to Gooey, whose tongue seemed to be extending to the length of a Kirby-style sandwich (that is, very long).  
"I need you to help me kill an evil octopus," he explained.  
"The one that we're friends with?" wondered Gooey.  
"Exactly."  
"No problem! I'll just-" At that moment Gooey's tongue ran into a Nruff's back, causing him considerable pain.  
"I'll just be leaving now," said Kirby, edging away.

Meanwhile, on Shiver Star, Ado was almost done painting a nasty, scary unconquerable machine that would take over the world. Luckily, she realised at the last moment that this action might have negative consequences. Hastily, she drew a big smiley face on the front of the machine.  
"There," she sighed. "A nice, jolly, jovial, peaceful machine capable of taking over the universe after obliterating it and destroying every little creature in it." (That was deliberate irony.)

Back to Pop Star:  
Coo awoke from his dazed stupor.  
"Are you okay?" said Whispy Woods.  
"Fine, fine," said Coo. "Incidentally, does it happen that you heard that joke I made earlier? About the possible double meaning of wise to result in antonymous descriptions? Ha ha ha! And I said, 'wise guy'? And that mea-"  
Whispy hit Coo with a bough.  
"Some people are better left unconscious," he sighed.


	2. Act II: Look! I can use Roman numerals!

**The Apple Tree War** (cont.)  
By tikitikirevenge

Legal note: All the characters in this story are owned by- hmm. I'm not actually sure who owns them.  
Suffice to say that I don't. However, I can do a good grapefruit impression! Do you want to see it? Here:  
CENSORED

**_Act 2 - Conflict; Complication; Candy coated super-ellipsoids_**

"You can take a bird out of his nest," squawked Pitch. "But you can't take the nest out of me!"  
Rick and Chuchu exchanged wary glances.  
"You have a nest inside you?" said Rick.  
Pitch thought about that.  
"Metaphorically," he decided.  
"So I can't use the scalpel?" said Chuchu, disappointed.  
"You still can," said Rick. "But you won't find anything but a lack of spine."  
"Are you calling me gutless?" said Pitch fiercely.  
"No, spineless."  
"Oh. That's okay, then. As a ma- hey! I am _not_ spineless!"  
"You have no backbone," said Chuchu. "Unlike me. As I am an octopus. A kind of mollusc. Molluscs inherently being invertebrates."  
Pitch glared angrily at Chuchu. "All right, then. I'll help you beat Kirby. But _not_ because you threatened me.  
"You see, there comes a time when a bird realises that the most important thing of all is friendship. And if the only way to preserve our sacred bond of friendship is for me to beat the living daylights out of my pal Kirby, so be it. After all, I-"  
A large rock landed on Pitch. And this wasn't just any rock. This was the only inanimate rock in the entire star system!  
"Oh, my," said Rick in awe. "Is that a non-living rock?"  
Chuchu shook her head in disbelief. "I believe so."  
"Mmmph!" said a small, ugly, irrelevant little bird stuck under the rock. And seeing as nobody like Pitch anyhow, I think he'll stay there for at least the duration of this sentence.  
Pitch was in terrible, terrible pain as a kind of karmic retribution for getting in the way half the time when the author was trying to play Dreamland 3. He shuddered, and screamed, and- what? No takers for Pitch torture? Okay, moving right along:

"Kirby, you're never going to survive in a fight if you keep stuffing your face with melons."  
Kirby ignored Nago.  
"If you don't stop eating those melons, Kirby, I'll scratch you!"  
Kirby looked around desperately for a distraction. "Look! A mindless rock!"  
"Ha!" said Nago, making that evil smile-like face. "There are no inanimate rocks on the whole of Pop Star!"  
The inanimate rock ironically landed on Nago.  
"Okay, maybe I was wrong," considered Nago.  
The rock rolled off him to perpetrate further dastardly deeds.  
Kirby sat up. "Two hundred sextillion watermelons in three minutes! That's got to be a record."  
"Quite possibly," said Nago. "But as for the task at hand: insofar as I can tell, we have a lot of opposition. I think that Chuchu has a lot of support on her side. We need some way to get a few of her friends onto our side instead."  
"What about Rick?" said Kirby. "I can fake his handwriting. Blackmail is fun."  
"And how exactly would that work?"  
Kirby produced a candy pen and a large leaf, and quickly scribbled something down.  
Nago picked up the leaf and read. "Wow, it's just like Rick's handwr- 'I, Rik teh amstur, iz dooing eevl stuf'?"  
"It has to be incriminating," explained Kirby.  
"But Rick doesn't spell like that."  
"That's why it's called blackmail. If anyone sees that in Rick's writing, he'll be the laughing stock of Pop Star."  
"I doubt that," said Nago. "How about this picture of Rick pretending to- well, you know?"  
Kirby looked at it. "Amazing! How did you mock that one up?"  
"I didn't."  
"Excuse me for a minute," said Kirby, walking outside of Nago's makeshift home.  
Nago waited patiently.  
"HA HA HA HA HA! RICK… HA HA HA HA HA HA HA… HAS AN IMAGINATION! HA HA HA HA HA HA AA HA HA HA HA!"  
Kirby came back in.  
"I'm done now," he said.  
Nago smacked himself in the forehead with one paw. "How are we supposed to threaten Rick without going behind enemy lines?"  
"Maybe if we spend someone expendable," said Kirby.  
Kirby and Nago stared at each other for a moment.  
"YOU!" they shouted, pointing at each other at the same time.  
They both laughed hard. "Ha, of all the coincidences," chuckled Nago.  
"Yeah, it's ju-"  
"YOU!" they shouted, pointing at each other at the same time.  
"Helph," said Gooey, whose tongue was still stuck to a snow-waddledee.  
Nago and Kirby grinned maliciously.  
"Leath me heah!" said Gooey, changing his mind. "Pleath leath me here!"

Meta Knight stood at the edge of the Neo Star chasm, pondering.  
Dark Matter rose up from the depths below. "Finally," it said. "I have you."  
"No!" said Meta Knight, raising his sword. "You'll never take me."  
Dark Matter charged.  
A large rock landed on top of Dark Matter. "Argh!" it exclaimed. "I've been crushed by a stone!"  
"Not just any stone," said Meta Knight. "That's an _inanimate_ stone! That must be the only one light-hours around!"  
"Really? Wow! I've been crushed by a non-thinking rock!" Dark Matter shivered in delight, imagining the reverence that surely would be felt when a tell-all biography was published.  
"If you're thinking of writing a book about this," said Meta Knight, "give me a copy. It would never have happened without me."  
"Would too!"  
"Would not."  
"Would so."  
"Wouldn't."  
"So."  
"Not."  
"So."  
"Not."  
"So."  
"Not."  
"So."  
"Not."  
"Shut up," said Nightmare, approaching them. "I have a Nruff!"  
"My sword will beat your Nruff any day," said Meta Knight.  
"Let's have a Kirby Spinners Duel to find out!" said Nightmare.  
"You're on."

After considering the wisdom of the Nago's cattle prods, Gooey had decided that he would go over to Rick after all.  
"Hi, Gooey," said Rick, seeing him approach. "Whatcha doin'?"  
"I go to blackmail you," explained Gooey.  
"Ha!" said Rick. "You don't have anything to blackmail me with, unless you have the photo which shows me masquerading as-"  
Gooey showed the photo of Rick 'masquerading as-' to Rick. Rick gulped.  
"Kirby, you help beat Chuchu, or someone see photo," warned Gooey.  
"What's wrong?" said Chuchu, walking up to them. "Is he harassing you?"  
"Yes," said Rick. "He's try-"  
"Shut up, Rick." Chuchu looked at Gooey. "Is he harassing you?"  
"No?" said Gooey.  
"What's going on, guys?"  
"He," said Rick, pointing at Gooey, "is trying to blackmail me into fighting against you."  
"Gooey…" said Chuchu. "That's not very nice."  
"Yes it is!" said Gooey, literally drooling over a pile of sandwiches.  
"Ew! That's disgusting!"  
"What are you gonna do?" said Gooey, dancing from side to side.  
"Must… keep… calm…" the octopus muttered.  
"I lick you!" Gooey's tongue hit Chuchu, and hard.  
Chuchu switched to not-so-nice-girl mode. Her tentacles shot up, aimed at Gooey's left eye…  
Gooey was saved from the wrath of Chuchu when a giant rock landed on top of him, giving him all the protection he needed.  
"Good rock!"  
"Grrr…" said Chuchu. The rock rolled off Gooey.  
"You know," said Rick, "for an inanimate object, this rock takes threats seriously."  
"No kidding," said Chuchu, pounding Gooey to a pulp. "Maybe that's not really a rock."  
"Then what is it?" said Rick.  
"A stone?"  
They both laughed merrily. "Good one," said Rick. "A stone! Ha ha ha!"  
Gooey, battered and bruised, managed to grab a fragment of lollipop with his tongue. Over-cute music began to play.  
"Look out!" screamed Chuchu, but too late, as Gooey went running at full speed, collecting Rick as he zoomed out through Cappy town and its residents.  
"Mummy," said a small Cappy wandering the streets. "Why is there a hole in that nice man?" (NT: Spelling of 'mummy' may vary between regions.)  
"That's nice, dearie," said King Dedede, who was posing as a small female Cappy (quite unsuccessfully, I might add).  
"You're not my mummy!"  
"I'm not, dearie?"  
"Mummy doesn't say dearie! Mummy says shut the f-" onomatopoeia blocked out the next word "- up!"  
"Curses," said Dedede. "Okay, I'm not your mother. I am King Dedede. I challenge you to a duel!"  
Dedede and the Cappy child produced tiny little paper fans.  
"How on earth are you going to duel here?" said a conveniently placed bystander.  
"It's simple," said Kirby. "They stand there silently until the light shines just right, then they slap each other silly."  
"Ah," said the enlightened stranger.  
Dedede and the Cappy child looked at each other calmly. The sky turned a deep orange.  
A quiet yet tense Spanish riff sounded from a nearby house.  
A brief silence as the two foes stared each other down.  
The light shone just right, bouncing off a weird reflective contraption to give the appearance of a large exclamation mark, floating in the air.  
They slapped each other simultaneously, and fainted simultaneously.  
"That was unexciting," said Kirby.  
A Waddle Dee nodded, then noticed who had spoken. It fled, waving its arms.  
"Oh well," said Kirby, "at least all isn't lost. I trust you've found Rick?"  
Gooey ran up, stars still flashing on his body. "Yesh!" he said.  
"Good boy, Gooey. Run along." Kirby turned to Rick. "This is going to be fun," he smiled menacingly.  
"Do you expect me to talk?" said Rick bitterly.  
"No," said Kirby. "I expect you to dye."  
"You can't do this to me!"  
"No," said Kirby. "While you're tied to this paper crane, you can't escape. I can do anything to you, even kill you. And you are going to _dye_."  
"Oh, please no!" wailed Rick. "Don't kill me!"  
"Oh, it won't be _me_ who kills you," said Kirby.  
"But I don't wanna dye!" sobbed Rick.  
"Too late."

Coo picked up on the first ring. "Hello?" he said.  
"You've got to help me," came a voice at the other end of the phone. "They've kidnapped me. I- I found a Star phone on the floor. Please! I need help. You've got to save me! I think they want to k- but I'm not going to dye. If you help. Please! Or I'll dye!"  
Coo hung up. "Whispy."  
"What is it, Coo?"  
"Somebody has kidnapped our mutual friend Rick. I think they want him to dye."  
"Oh no," said Whispy Woods. "Okay. Let me think."  
"Is there anything we can do to help him?" said Coo.  
"Yes. There is a secret compound, made from the very apples the people fight over. It is useful both as a weapon and a diversion, as its taste is irresistible, and it has a pH of 15."  
"A pH of 15?"  
"Yes. It is called apple sause. Pronounced with an emphasis on the 's', unlike 'sauce'."  
"I heard you say that already."  
"Well, just in the event that there is somebody out there reading about our every action, now it's quite clear that whoever is writing about us doesn't spell badly. Now quick! We must prepare the sause before Rick dyes."  
"So how do we make this sause?"  
"You see all those walking trees in the nearby clearing? They're all my children."  
"Do you have parents?"  
"No, don't be stupid. Flowering plants do not have parents."  
"But you just-"  
"Quiet. Now once upon a time, I had a child. She was called… I forget. And before you ask, I know it was a she because she always wore a ribbon in her leaves. On Pop Star, that's a guaranteed sign of femininity."  
"Okay."  
"Well, I asked her to go to my granny an-"  
"You just said that you didn't have parents!"  
"Are you blaming _me_ for continuity errors? Give me a moment… aha! I meant Migrannie. An old, wise… er… talking tulip. Anything goes here. So this little apple tree went to good ol' 'Grannie to discover the apple sause recipe."  
"So what is it?"  
Whispy looked firmly at Coo. "Are you sure you're ready to hear this?"  
"As ready as I ever will be."  
Coo waited. Whispy paused to contemplate. Finally, he looked at Coo.  
"Alas, Sally didn't pay attention when 'Grannie taught her the apple sause recipe. It was lost eternally. As in forever."  
"So the entire point of that anecdote was?"  
Whispy explained to Coo the point of the anecdote.  
"Oh," said Coo.  
"Yeah."  
"Mm-hmm."  
"Mm-hmm."  
"So."  
"So."

Chuchu, Pitch and Dynablade stormed towards Nago's home, where Rick was being held captive.  
"I just hope we aren't too late," said Pitch.

Inside, Rick screamed as Kirby continued to torture him. "Aagh!" screamed Rick. "I'm dyeing! I'm dyeing!"

"Let's go!" Pitch rammed into the door, but was nowhere near heavy enough to break it. He dropped to the ground.  
Everyone stared at him.  
"He said he knew how to open doors," said Chuchu sadly. "He was a great bird."  
They jumped inside through the hole-in-the-wall hole in the wall.  
"Stop right there!" said Dynablade.  
Kirby turned around and smiled. "What are you gonna do to me? Grab me and fly away?" he challenged.  
Dynablade grabbed him and flew away.  
"Are you okay, Rick?" said Chuchu, approaching the hamster.  
"They made me dye," said Rick softly. "They wanted all of these ghost costumes dyed pink so that they could pose as females and infiltrate our homes."  
"Your paws – they're pink!"  
"I'll be fine. It washes out."  
"Okay, then," said Chuchu. "Let's get the hout of here!"  
They did so.

hamster


	3. Act 3: The Finale

**The Apple Tree War** (cont.)  
By tikitikirevenge

Legal note: I don't own any of the characters used in this story. Insofar as I know, they all belong to Nintendo or HAL Labs or some teenage lawyer. Of course, that will all change at midnight, when operation Eagle Breeze is complete… mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
Oh, and if any intelligence organizations are reading this, that was a… pun. No! I meant – a joke. Yes, a joke. Nothing suspicious. No stolen golf carts or marshmallow launchers involved. Just a joke.  
Phew.  
Wait wait! That was part of the joke… I'll just start typing before someone gets arrested:

**_Act 3 – Resolution, Denouement, Conclusion, Berceuse and Finale_**

The two masses of fighters faced each other. You could cut the tension with a knife.  
"I know," said Kirby. "Why don't we stop fighting?"  
"Good idea!" said everyone.

By tikitikirevenge, 2005.

**THE END  
**

"But first, can we reach some sort of climax?" suggested Coo, who was very wise.  
"Okay," said everyone.  
"And it should be exciting after that anticlimactic and rather unfunny joke about dyeing," he added.  
"Okay," said everyone.  
"And we should cut out the group voice thing. We're all separate people."  
"Okay," said the majority of the individuals.  
Everyone fell quiet.  
"So…" said Chuchu. "Are we going to do anything?"  
Nobody spoke.  
Wind whistled through the blades of grass in Green Greens.  
"CHAOS!" screamed Kirby, charging towards Chuchu's army. He ran fast, and stopped only when he collided headfirst with the rock which Chuchu was standing on.  
"Ooo… ergh…" he mumbled, lapsing into unconsciousness.  
Everyone else stood silent in shock.  
"That was… an inventive tactic…" began Chuchu.  
Silence once again came upon the greens.  
"CHARGE!" added Chuchu.  
It was just like a medieval war movie, except it wasn't a movie. Or a war. Or medieval. And the only things rushing headfirst at each other were unarmed Waddle Dees. They burst into smoke at first contact.  
"Remind me again," said King Dedede, who was very fat. "Why did we enlist all these Waddle Dees to fight for us?"  
Nago shrugged. "They come with free hats," he guessed, as about ten Waddle Dees ran into his back and imploded.  
"Weren't half of those on our side?" said Dedede.  
"Possibly," said Nago. "Look! I got a sailor's hat!"  
"Well I got a invisible caps!" exclaimed Gooey. sic

On the opposite side of Green Greens, Rick and Dynablade were sitting back, trying to get some rest.  
"The Waddle Dees can be distracting," muttered Dynablade, as a group of Waddle Dees with umbrellas exploded on her back.  
"Maybe we should actually fight each other," suggested Rick.  
"What do you mean?" said Chuchu.  
"As in ceasing our distraction and scare tactics and actually trying to hurt our enemies."  
"Of course," said Chuchu in awe. "It's brilliant. It's original. We get our armies to fight! Rick, you are going to be remembered for your amazing idea for a long time."  
"And how long is that?" said Rick.  
"However long it takes me to convince everyone that it was my idea."  
"Fair enough."

"I think they're planning something," whispered Nago to Kirby.  
"Mf. Wha-?" said Kirby, looking up from his bowl of sugar coated Waddle Dees.  
"I think they're planning something," repeated Nago.  
"Good," said Kirby. "The sooner Dedede and his evil minions come up with a plan for us to fry that horrible octopus, the soo-"  
"No, no, no," said Nago. "Chuchu and her army of suicidal Waddle Dees. They're up to something."  
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" said Kirby, looking up from his bowl of sugar coated Waddle Dees.  
"Our enemies are planning something."  
"Oh," said Kirby. "So what do we do?"  
"I don't know; that's why I told you."  
"Okay," said Kirby. "We need someone smart to help us think up a plan. Like…"  
"Coo?"  
"Yeah, he'll do."

_About twelve minutes later…  
_Rick and Meta Knight dragged a struggling Coo towards Kirby.  
"Meta Knight!" said Kirby. "Are you on our side now?"  
"No," said Meta Knight. "I'm actually your father."  
Kirby gasped in shock.  
"It was just a joke," laughed Meta Knight. "You know, a joke? Because this story is supposed to be funny?"  
"Right…" said Rick. "Funny."  
"I'll never help you!" said Coo. "This entire battle is poin-"  
Kirby inhaled Coo to become  
**PARTIALLY-INTELLIGENT KIRBY!**  
Using his amazing powers of **thought**, **foresight** and **logic**, Kirby deduced what his opposition was planning.  
"Uh oh," he said. "I think they're genuinely going to attack us!"  
"What do we do?" said Nago.  
"Run around in circles screaming," said Kirby.  
"Good thinking," agreed Nago.  
"Waddle Dees!" ordered Kirby. "Run around in panic!"  
The Waddle Dee has evolved to do exactly that with a high level of skill. The Waddle Dees quickly organized themselves into the most chaotic formation imaginable, and then, taking their time, hastily started to run around in circles.  
"They can't talk," Dedede whispered to Kirby. "You'll just have to imagine the screaming."  
Kirby tried to imagine what Waddle Dee screaming would sound like.

"**DS**DS**DS**DS**DS**DS**DS**DS**DS**DSDSD**SD**SD**SD**SD**SD**SD**SD**SD**SD**," said Dynablade.  
"What does that mean?" wondered Rick.  
Chuchu paused to interpret. "She's saying they're surrounding themselves with panicking Waddle Dees. They'd perform a near-impenetrable shield."  
"CHKACHKACHKACHWTF?KACHKACHKACHKACHKACHAA," said Dynablade.  
"You don't really talk like that, do you?" said Rick.  
"I'm not telling."  
"Nobody seems to appreciate me any more," muttered Rick gloomily.  
Chuchu stood tall. "Everyone! Let's kill Kirby! Now or never! Do or die! Freedom or death! Hate or peace! Speeches or action! Black or white! Politicians or intelligence! Justice or law! Bright or dark! Humour or this speech! CHARGE!"  
Everyone charged. No, I'm not going to say something funny like 'charged it to their VIP card' or 'charged their Warp Star cell phones'. That would be too predictable.

"Quick!" said Kirby. "They're charging at us. Nago, go over to Chuchu and tell her to surrender!"  
"No way," said Nago, trying to remove a ball of yarn from his claws.  
"Gooey, you do it."  
"Uh?" said Gooey, tripping on his tongue. "Uh… no. No."  
Nago picked up Gooey and tossed him to the other side of the battlefield.

Gooey landed on a tulip, incurring the wrath of Chuchu.  
"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SQUASH THAT BEAUTIFUL TULIP WHO NEVER DID YOU ANY HARM IT IS NOT LIKE IT WANTED YOU DEAD OR ANYTHING SO NOW I WANT YOU DEAD AND I AM GOING TO POUND YOU INTO THIS SHARP PIECE OF WOOD LIKE THIS TAKE THAT AND THIS AND THIS IS FOR THE TIME YOU LANDED ON THAT OTHER TULIP SO TAKE THAT AND BY THE WAY WHY ARE YOU HERE?"  
"Oo-er…" said Gooey, who was really quite dizzy.  
"Well?" said Chuchu impatiently.  
"Oh. Uh… surreh- no, render!"  
"What?"  
"Surrender!" said Gooey happily.  
"They surrender?" said Chuchu.  
"Ya!" said Gooey happily.  
"Oh," said Chuchu. "I guess that means we can stop fighting."  
"You're actually taking a non-violent approach?" said Rick in wonder. "Chuchu, that's fantast-"  
"Come to think of it," said Chuchu, "we'd better blow them up _just_ to make sure."  
Rick sighed, incurring the wrath of Chuchu.  
"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY DECISIONS REMEMBER I AM A FEMALE SO DON'T BE MEAN TO BE AND DON'T HURT MY FEELINGS BECAUSE YOU'LL MAKE ME ANGRY AND YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY ALTHOUGH COME TO THINK OF IT I ALREADY SEEM TO BE ANGRY SO I GUESS THAT'S OKAY THEN…"

Kirby and Nago sat on the other side looking at the mass of angry Cappies and Bronto Burts heading right for them.  
"I don't think they're surrendering," said Kirby.  
"Really?" said Nago. "Well, at least we have the elusive Scarfy on our side…"  
A considerable number of Scarfies hovered above their heads.  
"Attack!" said Nago.  
Nothing happened.  
"Er… please attack!" said Nago.  
"Oh well," said Kirby. "If they can't protect us, I can always eat them." He tried to inhale them.  
The Scarfies, aggravated by the noise, transformed into the **deadly demonic death-dealers of Scarfydom**, and flew headfirst into the Bronto Burts, causing them to explode with considerable force.  
"Go Scarfy things!" cheered Kirby, rummaging through a knapsack.  
"Uh… Kirby," said Nago. "I took the popcorn out to air. It's behind that rock."  
"Did you eat any?" said Kirby, retrieving the popcorn.  
"Half a kernel."  
"Urge to kill… rising…" muttered Kirby. "Must… kill… Nago… but first… popcorn Waddle Dee… delicious bite-sized pieces… of Waddle Dee… fried to a crisp… Maxi combo only… five ninety-five…"

_A lot of fighting later…_  
"This is horrible," said Whispy Woods, looking towards the bloodshed (had Dreamlanders had blood) and death (could Dreamlanders have died) that was occurring on the reddened Green Greens (if Whispy wasn't colour-blind).  
Coo stumbled over to the shade of Whispy Woods. "Kirby broke my wing," he said, still in shock. "He thought that owl tastes like chicken."  
"Ridiculous," said Whispy Woods. "Owls are a lot sweeter."  
Coo nodded in confirmation. "Exactly. And besides, he could have eaten- wait, how do you know what owl tastes like?"  
"OH NO, A WAR!" shouted Whispy, motioning towards Green Greens.  
"Oh, how terrible!" said Coo. "We must end this now!"  
"But how?"  
"Tell them that what they're fighting over isn't true, Whispy! They'll only believe you!"  
"CITIZENS OF DREAMLAND!" shouted Whispy Woods.  
Over on the battlefield, everyone turned to look.  
"THIS WAR IS POINTLESS! WHAT YOU ARE FIGHTING OVER NEVER HAPPENED!"

"It never happened," said Rick, stunned.  
"What are we fighting over, again?" said Chuchu, flattening a few more Waddle Dees against walls.  
"I can't remember now."

"This is exciting," said Kirby, munching on a few fish skeletons. "And why are we warring, anyhow?"  
"Good queshon," said Gooey, lishping badly.

"I don't think they get you," said Coo.  
"I can see that," said Whispy, slightly aggravated. "YOU WERE FIGHTING OVER AN APPLE THAT FELL FROM MY BRANCHES!"  
The people of Dreamland were sceptical.  
"What if he's lying?" shouted someone.  
"Let's kill Whispy instead!" shouted another bystander.  
Everyone charged towards Whispy Woods.  
"Well, I may not be able to fly," said Coo, "but if I start limping now I should be well clear of the area by the time they get here."  
And with that, he fled.  
"No! Don't leave me here!" said Whispy, trying to follow Coo. Granted, he was more or less invincible, but he shuddered to think of the sort of humiliating things they might do to him.  
The army of Dreamlanders closed in on him.  
"No!" said Whispy Woods, trying to escape. He then realised he was rooted to the spot. In his attempts to follow, many apples went flying from his leaves, and all of them landed on Kirby's head. As earlier stated, Kirby's head was soft enough for the apples to bounce off and squash or render unconscious everyone except for Kirby and Chuchu.  
Kirby and Chuchu stared grimly at each other. "So it comes to this," said Kirby.  
"You two! Listen!" said Whispy. "Nobody told me to drop that apple. It was an accident. I tried to move towards you, forgetting that I was rooted to the spot by my roots. And an apple landed on your head. Heads."  
"Oh, okay," said Chuchu. She and Kirby made amends in the space of about half a second and went back to their passionate kissing. "That explains everything," said Kirby. "Except…"  
"What?" said everyone else at the same time.  
"You're smart, Whispy. How could you have forgotten that you're immobile?"  
"Unless…" said Rick.  
"…it was part…" said Nago.  
"…of a plan…" said Dedede.  
"…to draw us all to war…" said Coo.  
"…to lead you to our doom," cackled Dark Matter, floating in above the scene. "Looks as if I've won this time! Now I'll just possess you all…"  
"Not so fast!" said Kirby, throwing a strange substance in front of you. "This Jello ought to take care of you! I owe that much to the people of Dreamland, and **_Ms Lone_**."  
Kirby's jello slithered out into the open, making weird, abstract crackling noises as it surveyed its surroundings. The sunlight reflected a multitude of colours from it, including opal, blue, crystal, navy, aqua, and marine. It was a massive form with horrendous protrusions which may have been bubbles or baubles or boils; it was simply too shiny to tell. The silence which surrounded it only added to the eerie feeling that this was a desert someone should have eaten a long, long, time ago. And now it was there to, perhaps, eat Dark Matter.  
It melted in the heat.  
"There goes that," said Kirby. "Um… we surrender."  
Dark Matter closed in on the crowd.  
"NOT SO FAST!" shouted Ado. "My very pretty destruction machine will destroy you all! I mean, destroy Dark Matter! Not… jealous… about relationship between Kirby and Chuchu… despite blatant size difference… I mean, _because_ of… DIE, DARK MATTER!"  
Furiously, she ran towards Dark Matter brandishing her paint brush, tripped over a blade of grass, and was still.  
"I can't take this idiocy any more," said Dark Matter. "I'm going."  
And with that, Dark Matter took his leave.  
Everyone cheered in relief.  
"It's over!" said Kirby. "Everything's back to normal!"  
"Pitch is dead," pointed out Kine.  
"So?" said Kirby.  
Everyone fell silent.  
"Um… I don't have anyone exotic to nibble on?" suggested Nago.  
"Not much of a reason," said Kirby.  
Everyone continued to cheer in relief.  
And the citizens of Dreamland all lived happily and fruitfully (get it? _Fruit_? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha not funny, tikitikirevenge, _not funny_) ever after.  
Or at least for quite a while.  
I'd say four days tops.

**EXEUNT  
CURTAIN**


End file.
